[IMPORTED from Livemeta Blogs // Next gen blogging]
#1 I am glad I have this space to talk to because I know pretty much no one (or at least no one I know) will read it :).
This is the problem: I am me.....
It's not a huge problem IMO.. I usually (no I ALWAYS) love it. But it has massive disadvantages. The first is that I am sensible to the level of craziness even when wasted (this is what allows me to write coherently even atm). As a result it is assumed I am "the one in charge"...
Well first off - fuck that any more.
The second annoying thing is that I care too much. Take a very personal example...
Everyone (and YES bar one person I mean everyone) I have ever cared for or been attracted too either never feels the same way or we just never get together. Yes this is silly, yes it is shit.. but I dont understand why...
Yeh that's the main reason im going to rant tonight (and not hit the new publish to facebook/myspace/bloggit - hopes u like it took me ages to get them to all to agree on it!! :D - button).
I just dont get it ... where do I go wrong. OK I get the whole not being able to tell people I know how I feel (who doesnt have that as some point) but I dont get how people I dont know still cause problems :(
Jesus seriously what do I do.... Im thinking it's one of 3 things:
1) Im just not attractive to people
2) They just "like me" as a mate
3) Someone else is in the picture
4) Im just crap at this
#4 is just a given, I am really shit at emotions. Those of you who actually read this crap already know that... but it is part of me.. and one thing I personally think I hide really well. Fact is tonight was just not one of "those" moments..
I totally dont understand it.. w/o a certain guy around tonight one moment I am the best person there.... the next minute he is there and I am just blown off completely.
Yes I know this makes me sound naive ("OMG HAX SHE IS USING YOU").. but it really didnt feel like that (I love how so many of my friends just lap up the uber naive image I built as a defence. If they only understood lol..). And then the next second when "he" appeared it STILL didnt feel like it....
So this is the question: when you meet someone you like, chat to them a lot. Flirt a bit. Hold hands (yay wonderfully 1990's..) and then the SECOND you get onto the dance floor she wont dance with you.. no matter how much you try. Maybe it is me.. but I refuse to accept that. Something is screwed somewhere. It just makes me really angry that I am apparently some easy target.
At the end of the day I know the truth which is this: I am just "that nice guy". And who ever wants him, really.
Fact is I just wish someone could look at me, just once, and think "hell yes"....
And now for cynical conclusion. The guy I lost out to tonight: I know I am way better than him (jesus he is a thick as 2 short planks stuck up his own arse womeniser.. and that is NOT just cos I am bitter. that's just him :)) but yet I still lost. And a nice girl that I like, and want to be nice too, almost (but maybe not totally) loses my interest and gets a dick who will abuse her and use her till HE loses interest.
The point is this: do women (sic: people!) just like idiots who lead them up the garden path.. because if that is the case i really am going to lose all faith in humanity and fuck off to some 3rd world country where people are sane. I just dont understand people, thank god.
Crux is.. tonight I lose my final "innocence". No more will I "care" or give a shit. People can make their own graves and lie in them. And hell that is their problem. I have far more important shit to worry about than the crazy pandering of a humanity that has lost it's humanism. Fuck you lot who want a naive mate to stack them up when all else fails. Go look for some 18yr old fresher no brain prick to do that for you.
/ rant over :) I feel much better now.
