Believe in thyself

Great film quote: "I have dreamed a dream and now that dream is gone"
It's by Morpheus is The Matrix:Reloaded and is totally nothing to do with the topic of this post - but the idea behind it is. As humans what do we crave, truely? Notice, affection, desire, acceptance. The last one is always tough, many people are different in our world and having the bottle to accept and understand them is hard.

I would say very few people understand or accept me - one of my greatest and oldest friends the other day told me she would never really understand who I was. So that leaves me without one of the things we crave.

How do we deal with a situation like this? My way is to lose myself in a world of anger and danger - the cracking underground. If any of you have ventured to some of the darker parts of the Web you will understand what I mean, out there are people with real real hate for all sorts of things. People, nations, countries all sorts. If you are able to handle that sort of pain and anger and not be drawn in yourself (think very carefully about it) then I would advise you trying to find your way there. It can be quite invigorating.

Anyway back to the topic proper. I've been thinking long and hard about what the friend said (as I am apt to do) and decided it was probably all right that people do not understand me. I mean isn't it better to be who you wish to be than to play to the desires of your peers? I think it is.

The ultimate truth is that we are shaped by the people we see around us - there are very few people at the moment I want to be shaped by, this Emo streak is surfacing again in me and like before I do like it. I've received quite a few emails recently from people who have begun to feel the same thing - the next step they say is to think "what is the point".. I refuse to go that far (I know some of you are and I don't advise it, you will hurt more people than you think you can save) but I can se where they are coming from.

At the end of the day (and the end of this diatribe) you should understand one thing: you are the only one who understands you! Not the friends who think they do (or think they don't) or the lovers who cry for you, or the religious who pray for your soul, or the bastards who play with your life like a toy. If there is only one thing you can take from my posts take this.

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This week I've also been getting lots of emails from people talking about being scared. I don't wish to be harsh (and so far I have not been after nearly 3 years of posting here week in week out)but believe me you don't know the meaning of the word. Have any of you ever had a gun held to your head, been kicked in the balls, beaten and told you will be killed? I know people who have (I've had the gun at the head before) and they can tell you real fear. What you need to do is over come any fear, once you accept something you are scared of then you can face it - faced my gun with coolness and calmness because I was not afraid of the consequences, or at least I new the only consequence of showing fear was severe pain. So take your time to think about what you are really scared of and you will be fine - I promise :)